My biggest complaint about getting older is that I have more and more factoids stored in my brain and there are times I just can't remember why they are there. For example under the Category: Paper, Subcategory: Toilet Paper aka Toilet Tissue, I have the name Cottonelle stored. The problem is when I get to the store I can't remember if Cottonelle is that wimpy thin crap that doesn't hold up or if it is that stuff that gets the job done and lord forbid you have the runs as it wipes off a layer of skin with each use. Yes, somewhere in the middle is the quilted stuff that is just right but who can tell when the rolls are in a double wrap of plastic. Add to the fact that you just have to but the six pack of four rolls each to get the best price and bingo, you will have a years supply of tissue that you hate. No, I didn't say I hate Cottonelle, I said I couldn't remember if I hate it or not. Crap.
I haven't had a good record remembering everything I need to remember over the years and now as I have real overload of things just get jumbled and I find myself looking at a garage full of half used boxes of nails. I never seem to be able to find the right kind of nails until I have a new box and then bingo I have to move the half used box to get to the new box. Crap... Double Crap.
Another problem I have is that it is hard to remember to throw things away when they have really out used their usefulness or when I discover that the product is unable to perform to the expected standards. Yes, I once bought an electric drill because it was cheaper than the entire set of bits I needed to do a job. Yes, I found that drill, dead as a door nail the other day. I remember seeing the charger for the battery sometime this year but I can't remember where. I guess it really isn't important as the battery no longer would hold a charge and the battery costs more than the drill did. Not that I would remember what the hell the battery number was the next time I'm anywhere there are batteries. Triple Crap.
The other day I heard that someone said that old men need Viagra and if that didn't work they needed to take Ginkgo Buloba so you could remember what an erection was like. Hell, it took me three days to remember Ginkgo Baloba and I am never at a Health Food Store when I do. Quad Crap...
I haven't had a good record remembering everything I need to remember over the years and now as I have real overload of things just get jumbled and I find myself looking at a garage full of half used boxes of nails. I never seem to be able to find the right kind of nails until I have a new box and then bingo I have to move the half used box to get to the new box. Crap... Double Crap.
Another problem I have is that it is hard to remember to throw things away when they have really out used their usefulness or when I discover that the product is unable to perform to the expected standards. Yes, I once bought an electric drill because it was cheaper than the entire set of bits I needed to do a job. Yes, I found that drill, dead as a door nail the other day. I remember seeing the charger for the battery sometime this year but I can't remember where. I guess it really isn't important as the battery no longer would hold a charge and the battery costs more than the drill did. Not that I would remember what the hell the battery number was the next time I'm anywhere there are batteries. Triple Crap.
The other day I heard that someone said that old men need Viagra and if that didn't work they needed to take Ginkgo Buloba so you could remember what an erection was like. Hell, it took me three days to remember Ginkgo Baloba and I am never at a Health Food Store when I do. Quad Crap...
I am of the age where you went to school and came out with a degree and no student loans. We worked, saved and went into the service for the GI Bill. I am sad for people that have student loans bigger than their home loan. For them I say Crap five times. (I don't know the Latin word for five)
I am going to stop listening to talk radio. Our local station has started to carry Dave Ramsey and hell, I could give out his words of wisdom. Make more or spend less. Save some damn money and pay off your bills. I am also tired of hearing the same stupid questions. Uh, Dave, I owe $40,000 in student loans, $20,000 on credit cards and have a home mortgage of $250,000. My wife just got pregnant and I'm not sure I can make it on my salary of $10 per hour. Duh... Get a second job delivering Pizza, never see your wife and pay, pay, pay. then save, save, save.. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap......crap.
Oh well, I'm going out to the garage and see if I need to buy or throw away toilet paper or that damn drill. I must need some Viagra so I can remember. What was it I was going to do?
MUD
What if you drilled the right kind of toilet tissue to your garage wall? Great combination of wit and cynicism. I enjoyed reading this. I think I am getting to the stage of forgetfulness. I KNOW I am getting to the stage of yelling "crap" at everything. Thanks for posting this.
ReplyDeleteEFH
Think shit, talk shit. Memory is a fading thing, like watercolours dim under sunlight. Getting Old and Feeling Blue, who cares about you? Your current wife says you've done your job, and she's no longer interested in your knob.
ReplyDeleteYour kids want to break free and only call to pluck the buck off the money tree. The only thing left is to decide, whether what we left behind, was worth the ride.
Gray Dourman
www.magichelix.com
Maybe you could just use Spanish and say, I think it would be, Cinco Crap. Or something like that. I can't remember. What was I talking about?
ReplyDeleteYou reminded me of "John Wayne Toilet Paper" with this post. You know, rough, tough, and don't take no shit off anybody.