Who Are You?

The theme song for CSI, one of my all time favorite TV Shows asks the question, "Who are you?"  In the past few weeks, that has been the question of all time.

On the Trail Again
Starting with the lack of a Hall of Fame Inductee in baseball, to Lance Armstrong, to Notre Dame's Linebacker Manti Te'o, many of our Hero's have recently been felled by the truth.  If we pay attention to this trend, are any of us perfect and above reproach? It Sure as hell isn't me!

I found it easy to work hard, get an education and continue to move up in my job over the years.  After Vietnam, I did have moments that I felt uneasy but I managed to self medicate those feelings away and continue to live the best I knew how. It was fun and rewarding to me.  Sometime in 1988 or 89, I was the Military Personnel Officer for the Kansas Guard and hated every moment of the job.  No, that is not true, I loved the people I had working for me but hated the ankle biting problems that developed every day. 

 Just so you will know, Recruiters are just salesmen and live out there in the community and deal with a lot of the dregs.  They for some reason feel that if they make their quota, what they do in the mean time is not a problem.  You would love to be with them, but I promise you wouldn't want to be responsible for them. The term I used for them was arrested development and sometimes they did get arrested. 

 Near the end of my time in Personnel, some one decided that we needed to have an Alcohol Awareness class.  I am not sure who's idea it was, but my friend Henry Martin decided that I needed to attend as their leader. It was co-ed and Barbara attended with me. Well I did and am now glad to say that it changed my life more than I wanted to admit.  One of the exercises right off the start was a question and answer quiz where we said yes or no to several questions about our drinking.  Of the ten questions, I said yes seven times.  I looked at Barb's answers and she said yes ten times. (She doesn't drink period.)  She said she filled out the questionnaire for me.  Well, the lecturer at the seminar said that if you answered three or more with yes, you were headed for trouble.  I questioned Barb about the three yes's she had that I didn't and she said I was generally too drunk by the end of the day to notice.    

Being the perfect guy I am, I picked up many books on the subject and tried to get and stay sober on my own.   The AA approach was one that worked for a lot of people and I used it with a few modifications.  The part about giving your life to a supreme being just wasn't me.  I was in charge and if I screwed up it was mine to fix and keep it that way.  I also didn't think I would need to go to meetings to stay sober, I felt that I just needed to do it and keep it up. The one thing I did apply and have since is the part about a day at a time.  I may not be sober forever but today I am. I don't fear falling off the wagon.  It is my damned wagon and I am in charge.  I tell people I am a sober drunk.  I would be an alcoholic but I don't go to the meetings. 

I haven't smoked pot or done crack or those mood altering drugs.  I know I will never be hooked by anything with opiates in them because they constipate the hell out of me.  So I guess I will just have to remain the source of my own happiness and be careful to know that if there is not a smile on my face, it is my own fault.   

One thing I will not do is stand around and throw rocks at the popular people as they finally admit their problems.  What I would say to them is that is a few short years, it will all blow away and they too can live on and love, laugh, cuss, fight and outrun the rest of their problems.  We are blessed with minds that get us through and hearts to share love with others.  

Two motto's that I live by.  1 -"If you aren't the lead dog, the view never changes."  2 - " If you are in a hole, stop digging."  

There is also a simple rule - Never say Never or Always about anything.


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